Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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