the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
