it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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