This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize