Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
