she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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