I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
