sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
