I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
