i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
