I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
