I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
