Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
