How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We're too hungover to prance.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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