You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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