You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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