I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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