I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
