Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I want her autograph on my taint
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
