My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
