Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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