You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
