he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
