I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
