guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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