careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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