By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
