Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
