I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
