There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize