If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
