and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
