Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
