I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
