Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize