now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
