It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize