dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize