Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
