I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Randomize
