you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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