If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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