I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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