I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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