taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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