dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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