The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize