my sisters under your porch take her home
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
