I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I want a musical about memes.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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