i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
