how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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