feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
