Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
