I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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