I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
