yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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