do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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