lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
