I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
